I am just so sickened & DONE, period.
How can someone who claims to be falling for you-
Telling you how much you mean to them, how much they are going to miss you when they leave tomorrow, and that they are really & truly making changes in their so called "EX" situation-
That they just don't want you to go away & FEEL SO good every time they are with you- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING, BLAH-
and then tuck you into your bed & go home to pack etc. & then
have their "EX" come spend the night & take them to the airport.
Feeding me loving eyes & longing stares & sweet caresses & tender kisses...
Only for me to find myself dreaming lucidly about him & his "EX"- and him telling me that he's too afraid-
FUCKING BULLSHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
I wake up at 5 am & just know in my soul that she's down there-
I put on my jacket & stumble outside to just SEE if her car is there-
AND... Low & BEHOLD, my intuition led me to the truth!
It fucking led me to the TRUTH!!!
My heart was pounding so quickly, I thought it was going make my chest explode.
I pick up my phone & call that son of a bitch-
Leave a message saying "Hey, it's me. I just want you to know that I know now why you were feeling like a moron (he was saying earlier that he feels like a moron & dirty)& dirty. I know what her car looks like & I know she's there. Don't bother calling me like you said you would. Now, you don't need to stress about your situation, the light has been shed. Thank you."
I then proceed to take his apt key that he left for me to visit his cats while he is gone & attach a note that says
"I now understand why you were feeling so badly earlier.
Here is your key. Perhaps Jessie would like to visit your cats seeing as she saw them last before you left, probably sleeping next to them on your bed with you. I wish you no ill will,
I just can't do this. I wish you peace & a safe trip home. Don't call me, it's probably best if you don't. Happy Thanksgiving. Love, Julie" & attach it to his door.
Oh, I don't know, um 30 minutes later there is a knock at my door & it's him. I open it, he walks in, locks the door & holds up the key, "I wanted you to have this."
"Well, why don't you have Jessie handle it seeing as she is staying down there in your apartment with you right now."
He is just so DISTRAUGHT with his silent stare.
"She's not going to, I don't want her to."
"Why the hell is she down there right now?"
"Tonight really is the last night I was going to see her again."
Blah, Blah, Blah.
I start tearing up, "What would you do Joel? Imagine you are in my shoes, what would you think? How would you feel? What would you do? It's not that dificult, it's really very simple actually. I left your home & seconds later she comes over. If you say to me I am the reason why you don't want to leave, why is it she who is sleeping with you on your last night here? Why is it she who is taking you to the airport? I was already at your house. There was no special trip necessary for me to make, I live right above you. I wanted to take you to the fucking airport. I wanted to fucking believe you. It's fine, I am not your girlfriend, but I am not your fool either. Like I told you before, I am not JuST some girl. I know I am not. And no one is going to make me feel like I am either. This is not right. I am not that."
He is so flustered & silent & looks almost teary himself.
"This wasn't supposed to happen." He says.
"I just don't want you to go away." He says.
"I wanted to make this work." He says.
"MAke what work Joel? Make what work?... It doesn't even matter."
"Yes it does" he says- "No, it really doesn't." I say.
"Yes, it does." he says.
"Well, why Joel? Why?"
"If you say you shouldn't answer your phone because it's her who's calling, then what the fuck is she doing at your house right now & why the fuck is she the one who is driving you to the airport? Obviously, there is a reason for that."
"I wanted this to be the last time that I saw her, I really did. I really just want to be with you. I am selfish, it's my fucking fault, I didn't want this to happen, this isn't how it's supposed to be. This is not how it's supposed to be."
I just don't say anything.
I am in a daze & I feel sick.
I feel fucking sick.