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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Julie's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 1st, 2007
10:49 pm
Wow, it's been a while...
Well,
I know it's been almost two years since I've posted- or something along those lines- a year & a half or something.
God, the direction our lives can take!
I'm living on St. Simons Island, Georgia now- & I've never been more in my element.
Tons of awesome people & awesome live music- I walk to the beach from my house, ride my bike everywhere, I'm a waitress & I love it & I have a boyfriend who I believe is the one who makes all others wither away in comparison...
All the pain I put myself through from trying to endure bad relationships & save people or be saved...
AHHH! It's over!
Anyway, I've lost touch with many people & I know I never really knew anyone on here very well anyway (except Leslie)- but I guess there was a certain amount of comfort that I found in writing on this thing.
I have been so far removed from technology & computers- but now I think I'm coming around again.
SO many things have happened. I just can't even begin - anywhere really. Just thought I'd say something.
Anyway, guess that's all for now.

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
6:02 pm
I've got to get the hell out of here...
All signs point to YES.
My apartment, my job, Los Angeles...
Everything needs a complete OVERHAUL.
The toxins of my environment are seeping into my soul.
I think I am going to combust shortly...
Which might not be too bad.
Ugh.
I feel ill.
I feel, I feel, I feel...
I am so sick of FEELING-
I THINK I AM GOING TO VOMIT.
Why couldn't I have been born amongst those who feel less?
Or nothing?
I am so sick of identifying myself with my fucking feelings, I am about ready to lose it.

Current Mood: restless
Friday, January 20th, 2006
9:50 am
I mean bite.
9:41 am
I don't think I could have enough caffine in my system right now...
Maybe I should just bit the bullet & inject it...
Hmmm.
Also, a cheeseburger might be good.
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
10:48 am
losing thy cool ranting via la oficina
so I freaked out on this man at work today...
it was like an out of body experience.
he pulled the whole "do you know how much money I make?/ do you know who I am?" bullshit.
fuck that.
I came UNGLUED.
I didn't know how to contain myself...
I finished off my coffee & threw the cup in the trash with anger while he was talking!
It felt wonderful & then it felt terrible at the same time.
He put me on the phone with his banker & OF COURSE the first thing his banker says to me is "Do you have any idea how much money he makes?"
I say "NOOO, WHY would I know how much money he makes, do I know him? NO, I don't... can you just get me the documents?"
He then proceeds to tell me that this man is an ex tennis pro...
ummm, ok... well I worked with the daughter of Ed McMahon & I still had to get the same thing from him.
I just CANNOT STAND the "I'm so special, bow down to me & recognize who you are dealing with/ the rules don't apply to me" BULLSHIT.
Do I REALLY care if you are an ex tennis pro?
DO you care who I am?
Do you know how much money I make?
UGH.
After he left, I really couldn't believe how retarded I felt about my reaction.
Maybe I overreacted, in fact, I am almost sure I did.
But some people need to be put in their place, this guy did FOR SURE.
Of course I know, it's probably not good business- but, he was pushing all of my buttons with his arrogance & comments & huge SIGHS & frustration when I try to explain what we needed to approve the deal.
I almost shouted "DON"T mean to put you out here, this is our policy."
He mutters something under his breath to the 2 other gents he was with about a rectal exam & I look at him & say "THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, really."
Anyway- enough.
I'm done.
I must say it was invigorating...
Saturday, September 4th, 2004
11:44 pm
An evening of indoor relaxation...
So my hometown is bein hit by Frances- as we speak...
Hmmm...
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
5:57 pm
We are out, right?
3 more minutes man.
Oh.
So anyway.
These words are spinning without definitions-
inside this brain.
There really is nothing to say about it.
really.
right.
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
9:44 pm
Are you trying to slip away?
Or do you want me to?
"Save yourself & me from the pain", you say.
Well, okay.
9:07 pm
Yes and it will be yours.
Don't you go shedding anymore of these tears.
And all of this is not for nothing.
It's all really- TRULY- for something.
This is what you thrive on, isn't it?
"Don't speak anymore of this."
It's got to be understood.
It must be.
It has to be.
The buzzing...
The buzzing...
It wears me out,
it wears me out-
No, they are not mine-
They aren't.
but... they are.
They are all of ours-
Truly.
The only thing I ever wanted to give you was comfort.
The only thing I wanted you to feel was love.
The only thing I ever tried to do was open my heart.
And it is more open than I ever could have wanted...
And all I can do is hold up my head & not lose sight of my own truth...
All I can do is continue.
All I can do is do what I am fucking here to do.
Love.
And I refuse to end anything because this is really only just the beginning.
I can see you inside my life no matter where you are.
I can see you inside my arms.
Feel you inside & If not in this life- it will be another.
You said to me "it seems like it's been forever."
And then I told you that it has.
Inside you is where I want to be.
But- question comes to mind-
So, I'll just try to not hide behind-
These fears.
I will just try to not cry these tears-
I will just keep it in hear inside
Until I know I am not dwelling inside my pride & for you-
I'll step aside & give you whatever you need-
Silence?
It's yours.
Why can I smell you on my skin?
I haven't seen you in at least 36 hours-
Maybe more.
Where did the rest of this go?
8:43 pm
God Bless
Friday, February 13th, 2004
10:37 am
SO here it is...
I don't know to be honest with you.
Just waking up with Whitney Huston's "I get so emotional Babay- everytime I think of YOUU- I get so emotional baby- ain't it shocking what love can do? Ain't it shocking what love can do?- Hoo HOO HOO HOO." in my head- And I feel so sickly vunerable-
Dare I breathe a word I'll soon regret? Do I place distance between this incredible bond for protection or to just hide out in fear?
Do I pretend that I don't feel anything because I don't want to jinx it?
Do I just block it all out & act like nothing is changing in my heart?
That I am so casual & not dying inside to say how much I love you?
DO I just come to realize that this is all in my head & that it's not even real?
Isn't this what I've always wanted?
How can I just let it slip away because of what I'm too afraid to say?
How do I get a hold on this?
How do I just let it all be when each time you hold me- I can feel myself slipping further inside your soul?
How can I dare feel this way when I don't know what is even on your mind?
How can I just feel this love & all I want to do is be your girl-
ALl I want to do is be your girl.
I think of every single moment that I spend with you- and I just keep growing & expanding even more- you are so good for me.
This is good for me.
I want to tell you- but dare I breathe a word I'll soon regret?
Just keep it all locked up inside for now.
Just keep it all locked up inside- everything.
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
1:00 pm
This labyrinth... inside my home, my house of life,
My heart can't take sometimes-
So full it is.
Sadness wells up & out from my eyes.
I wake in the night to touch myself with his hands-
I look into his eyes inside my solitude.
Friendship...
I love it.
When we are together, there is nothing else.
But as we sit both awkward & nervous-
Looking into your eyes, I have to turn away.
You walk over to give me a hug & we just stand there
forever yet never, it seems.
I can feel your heart beating next to mine.
I can feel my body go weak & I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I just stand there in silence
with you.
I just long to never move.
You send me to the stars & everywhere I've ever dreamed of.
Inside me you've grown &
I don't know how to stop it.
I don't want it to stop-
But my heart aches in fear.
My heart bleeds you near -
or far-
My heart & your's-
Merging together as one
& back to two again...
My dreams of your eyes again...be patient,
you say-
Be patient, I say.
This is not for nothing.
This is NOT for NOTHING.
Our encounter is no accident.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Why can't I just live inside you?
You inside me?
Your silent way & mine...
I don't want to leave you this time.
I don't want to leave you ever.
But I'm still afraid to touch you.
I'm still afraid to tell you.
I'm still afraid to love you.
I'm still afraid to lose you.
I'm still afraid to touch you.
Friday, December 12th, 2003
3:12 pm
Going home next Thursday.
YAYYY!
2 weeks to sit on my ass, sleep & eat in peace.
Me thinks it will be most perfecto!
All the previous neighbor jive has all been sorted & through the light of God I feel comfortable in my home still.
Thank God, I was so worried that I would be weirded out etc. & not want to be at home-]
But it's all good.
After all, He was never my boyfriend to begin with- SO whatever.
I am at peace.
i am so thrilled about really & truly being single right now.
I haven't felt single since I was 19 years old- I am now 26!!!
Thank God I have given myself this freedom finally.
It's amazing to feel this way right now.
It's exactly what I have needed for so long.
All TRULY is where it is supposed to be.
I am free to accept date invitations from anyone I like now, I am free to flirt without guilt or shame- I am free to go & do whatever I want without worrying about what the other person feels about it- how it's going to affect "us"- And all that stuff.
This is so amazing.
Now that I am truly going through all of this single stuff,
when I do meet the "ONE"- I will really be ready to settle down- ESpecially
Now that I am able to get everything I have ever had in my system- OUT.

And I am just so excited about life.
I am so excited about really feeling comfortable in my skin finally.
It's something that has truly been a long journey it seems.
It's still a continuing one throughout this life- but I just feel so blessed.
I find myself in bouts of confusion & self loathe less & less- And when they do creep up on me- they are much milder & I am able to diagnose them more accurately.
I don't feel so swept up in the whirlwind anymore.
Yeah, sometimes (like this past week) I have felt kind of annoyed about everything-
But, it's like I KNOW that it's ME- and MY feelings- my perspective that gets me caught up in this & that I do actually have control-
I just have to know it & take inner action- instead of waiting around for my exterior world to come together in the perfect packaging that I wish for- but doesn't even exist.
At least not in the way that I think I want it to.
ANyWAY!
How come I always go off on tangents like this?

I am supposed to go to a HOLIDAY PARTY tomorrow night with my friend Dawn & all of her friends/coworkers-
It's her company's party.
I am kind of not looking forward to it- I have no idea what I am going to wear-
It's out off of Marina Del Rey & it's going to be on a boat.
It's going to be freezing- I just know it & I am supposed to dress up-AGGG.
There has been a strange energy floating around between us the past week too- And I kind of want to just be LOW KEY- but I have been planning on going for quite some time now & I feel like I am supposed to go.
I am not sure what the outcome is going to be.
I guess we'll just have to see.
I am going to be around all of them talking about work & stuff in which my participation will be limited & lately I have found myself losing it when small talk comes around & goes on & on forever, it seems.
I almost get nauseas.
I mean my head starts pounding &^ I feel bouts of anxiety & like I just need to leave right away.
Hmmm.
What to do?
I just smile & endure it-
I am exaggerating too- It's really not that bad.
I just want to wear my slippers & fuzzy coat & beanie & scarf & that's it.
I can't wait to go back home.
I hope it's cold.
I love how cold it is right now.
I love being all bundled up & feeling the cold windy air on my face.
Not cold to the chapping point- but cold enough to be cold yet still warm in my clothes.
I have been thinking about relocating to Northern California.
Not sure exactly when or what I plan on doing-
BUt L.A. only has so much more time for me, I know.
I mean I know I am here for a reason right now-
And I LOVE my apartment-
I just feel deep inner surges of change in the air.
I have got to save some money for my trip to Europe this summer.
Don't know who I am going to be going with-
But one thing is for sure-
I WILL be going.
2004 is the year.
This is the year of physical change-
2003 was all about internal transformation-
2004 is going to be all about manifesting all this dreaming into reality.
YES!

Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
9:18 am
I WAS FUCKING PLAYED FOR A FOOL
O.k. I almost don't even want to waste my time on this anymore-\
I am just so sickened & DONE, period.
How can someone who claims to be falling for you-
Telling you how much you mean to them, how much they are going to miss you when they leave tomorrow, and that they are really & truly making changes in their so called "EX" situation-
That they just don't want you to go away & FEEL SO good every time they are with you- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING, BLAH-
and then tuck you into your bed & go home to pack etc. & then
have their "EX" come spend the night & take them to the airport.
Feeding me loving eyes & longing stares & sweet caresses & tender kisses...
Only for me to find myself dreaming lucidly about him & his "EX"- and him telling me that he's too afraid-
BULLSHIT!!!!
BULLSHIT< BULLSHIT,
FUCKING BULLSHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
I wake up at 5 am & just know in my soul that she's down there-
I put on my jacket & stumble outside to just SEE if her car is there-
AND... Low & BEHOLD, my intuition led me to the truth!
It fucking led me to the TRUTH!!!
My heart was pounding so quickly, I thought it was going make my chest explode.
I pick up my phone & call that son of a bitch-
Leave a message saying "Hey, it's me. I just want you to know that I know now why you were feeling like a moron (he was saying earlier that he feels like a moron & dirty)& dirty. I know what her car looks like & I know she's there. Don't bother calling me like you said you would. Now, you don't need to stress about your situation, the light has been shed. Thank you."
I then proceed to take his apt key that he left for me to visit his cats while he is gone & attach a note that says
"I now understand why you were feeling so badly earlier.
Here is your key. Perhaps Jessie would like to visit your cats seeing as she saw them last before you left, probably sleeping next to them on your bed with you. I wish you no ill will,
I just can't do this. I wish you peace & a safe trip home. Don't call me, it's probably best if you don't. Happy Thanksgiving. Love, Julie" & attach it to his door.
Oh, I don't know, um 30 minutes later there is a knock at my door & it's him. I open it, he walks in, locks the door & holds up the key, "I wanted you to have this."
"Well, why don't you have Jessie handle it seeing as she is staying down there in your apartment with you right now."
He is just so DISTRAUGHT with his silent stare.
"She's not going to, I don't want her to."
"Why the hell is she down there right now?"
"Tonight really is the last night I was going to see her again."
"Right."
Blah, Blah, Blah.
I start tearing up, "What would you do Joel? Imagine you are in my shoes, what would you think? How would you feel? What would you do? It's not that dificult, it's really very simple actually. I left your home & seconds later she comes over. If you say to me I am the reason why you don't want to leave, why is it she who is sleeping with you on your last night here? Why is it she who is taking you to the airport? I was already at your house. There was no special trip necessary for me to make, I live right above you. I wanted to take you to the fucking airport. I wanted to fucking believe you. It's fine, I am not your girlfriend, but I am not your fool either. Like I told you before, I am not JuST some girl. I know I am not. And no one is going to make me feel like I am either. This is not right. I am not that."
He is so flustered & silent & looks almost teary himself.
"This wasn't supposed to happen." He says.
"I just don't want you to go away." He says.
"I wanted to make this work." He says.
"MAke what work Joel? Make what work?... It doesn't even matter."
"Yes it does" he says- "No, it really doesn't." I say.
"Yes, it does." he says.
"Well, why Joel? Why?"
"If you say you shouldn't answer your phone because it's her who's calling, then what the fuck is she doing at your house right now & why the fuck is she the one who is driving you to the airport? Obviously, there is a reason for that."
"I wanted this to be the last time that I saw her, I really did. I really just want to be with you. I am selfish, it's my fucking fault, I didn't want this to happen, this isn't how it's supposed to be. This is not how it's supposed to be."
I just don't say anything.
I am in a daze & I feel sick.
I feel fucking sick.
Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
11:28 am
Lotta stuff going on right now.
Very Tranformative.
It seems that when I feel like I have just gone through a major Transforamtion-
Even larger ones come along.
It truly is a constant Metamorphisis.
I am really finding deeper & deeper depths
as the skin is contantly shed, renewed, & shed again.
I have never felt my heart this open & vunerable
without feeling completely afraid.
I mean, there are parts of me that are afraid-
But I am not allowing it to consume me.
I keep searching for answers to questions that only I have the true answer to.
Falling in love with someone who was in love with someone not too long ago, but says he's not anymore-
Then says it's all pretty much out the door, his past.
After finding her clothes & panties on his floor...
The Past?
How can I be sure?
Do I take a leap of faith as he tells me that he thinks he's in love with me & that how he feels about me makes him nervous & that he wasn't expecting to feel this way?
He says he feels nervous when he looks at me, smells me, holds me, thinks of me...
Why?
I don't want to be some fool.
I trust in my intuition & I feel like he's being honest,
i just fear if he's not-
I am Allowing myself to be played.
I don't want that & deeep down inside, I really don't feel that.
I told him his unfinished business is just that, his.
Not mine.
I don't want his old business, I don't want to be his mixed into business-
I am new, fresh business or none at all.
I am not that girl.
I told him I felt no anger towards him, he's not my boyfriend,
we haven't committed to to each other in any way-
It's just that I don't want to have the hopes & thoughts of some future merging, only to be played & fooled into thinking anything other than the truth.
He says he doesn't want to be without me, he says he's sure of that.
He says he knows it's time for him to grow up & that he used to see himself as a loner & a free spirit-
For years that was his motto-
And now, he isn't feeling that way so much.
He says "This is kind of fucked up- but, really it's not"
And, "I just want to be with you & touch you & taste you & I want you to with me... I don't know what to say, I feel like when I am with you we are just supposed to merge. I look at those pictures of us & the ocean & the day at the beach & feel like that is how it's supposed to be... I don't know what I am supposed to do or say."
I say "well, is your "Ex" your ex or are you together? Obviously if she's still coming over something is still there. I am not judging you because of that, but I simply can't be involved in it. If I didn't have feelings for you that would be one thing, But I do & I don't want to feel this way. I don't have to & I am not going to. I am holding out for someone who wants only me because that's all he needs & vice versa. I can't be put into the mix of other people's situations. I don't like feeling this way, It doesn't feel good. I am not blaming you, I know where you are, I think- I mean, it seems like you are just confused & you have yet to make a decision. And I'm not even asking you to make one, that's YOUR deal, but I have to make one for me. I have to make a decision about what I want & what I need & this can't be it.
As much as I care for you, I can't set myself up like this."
His eyes look glassy as if some emotion is going on inside & just kind of looks at me in silence.
Just kind of looks at me in silence.
He says he can respect where I am coming from & that he thinks I am thinking much more stuff is going on than what actually is. He doesn't want me to see it that way & that he sometimes feels like he's dirty next to me. He says he doesn't want to feel that way.
I tell him I thnk he's a really beautiful, good person & I don't see him that way- I just simply can't hang on off to the side in the hopes of something.
So that's basically where we left off inside a hug that leaves me content somehow, in the feeling of an understanding towards him that exceeds my usual expectations of something & how it is supposed to be...
I just love him.
I don't know what it means or how the outcome will be, but I do.
No matter what occurs, I have found him inside my heart & whatever shall be will be.
Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
3:41 pm
I LOVE THIS WEATHER!!!! Sweaters, scarves, jackets, warm fuzzy socks & slippers & bundling up with warm beverages & sitting outside in the cold night air is pure bliss right now.
I really don't want it to get warm again until spring-
April or May would be best.
Maybe the end of March.
No sooner though. It needs to stay like this.
It really does.
On another note,
I simply cannot lose myself in a relationship.
I can't
put myself in a situation where I feel my grasp on myself weakening.
It's strange really.
I find myself in a contradiction in most all circumstances.
I want to feel deeply & enraptured in my love for someone-
But then again, I must maintain balance & ultimately not get lost.
I walked out on my neighbor the other day- just walked out.
It was really very strange under the circumstances of which it occurred.
After I did, I felt like total shit.
I have never felt so badly for something- at least I don't remember right now.
Anyway, I didn't have contact with him for like 2 days & I felt myself going MAD.
I don't want to feel that way! Over someone.
It's rather frightening actually. I felt sick.
I couldn't eat.
I am an independent girl, I can't allow myself to become this love sick puppy if I don't talk to him- It's simply not healthy.
There is almost a strange addictive feeling I get pertaining to him.
Of course, he has no idea- I could never let that happen, unless we fall madly in love & I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is for real.
I find myself really feeling the falling feeling.
It just kind of crept up on me, it seems.
I wasn't expecting to start feeling this strongly-
And on Friday he tells me that his "ex" is not so recent & that he is really trying to faze her out of his life & that he "really, genuinely likes" me. He says he's not a player & wants to be up front with me & he wants to continue with what we have begun.
At first, my initial reaction was "that's cool, I know the whole ex situation. my ex & I are practically still best friends in a lot of ways- our connection was more spiritual than romantic, so I can relate. I can understand all that but I will not be able to be with you in an intimate way unless I am the only one. I can't allow myself to fall into the trap of confusion. We can still hang out & stuff but that's all."
He's rather quiet & contemplative looking now.
So I change the subject & then we go inside to mess around on his turntables/synthesizers etc.
His friend comes over & they are doing their music stuff
& then I proceed to get a splitting headache & need to go home to bed.
Next day, he calls up- from his balcony-
"Julie! What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"I was gonna see if you wanted to go to Target with me & go pick up my friend & come back here."
"Umm..." not feeling very social I am, at this moment.
"Not really, I kind of want to just be here. I do want to see you, maybe we can just have a cigarette before you go."

"Are you coming down or am I coming up?"
"I'll come down."
He meets me in the stairwell & says
"you're coming with me. Come with me to Target & meet my friend. He has a kid, we'll have a kid with us."
Me- "We'll have a kid with us?" that changes everything!
"Yeah, see you're coming with me, you just said "with us"."
"O.k. I'm coming with you then."
Why do I feel so in love at this point- he just freaking told me he & his ex are still fading out- WHy am I feeling so connected to him?
I am so connected to him in certain ways-
I've just gotta throw on the brakes.
We went outside & were talking & laughing & I'm just feeling so much love- THEN- he starts talking about this stuff that literally totally fucked me up in the head. I felt so sick & angry all of the sudden & all I could do was leave. I couldn't even look at him- nothing- just walked out-
He followed me to the door asking "Are you mad at me?"
"No, nothing like that I just need to be in my own space." and just walked right out. no target- no nothing.
I felt like I was going to explode- I can't explain it- I don't want to go into the details of what he said- it wasn't BAd or anything- it was just extremely unsettling for me & I just could not even look at him. It was so crazy- I felt like if I didn't leave I was going to slap him or something.
He talks a lot of shit & I don't know if he was serious or not- but if so, I don't want anything to do with him in the romantic sense- at all!
After I left, I started coming to my senses when I decided to take a long walk. I was like "What the fuck did I just do?" What must he possibly be thinking?
Then I started to realize that it wasn't just what he was talking about- it was the expectation of something profound that I wanted him to say when in actuality- he just said the last thing I would EVER want to hear come out of the mouth of the person that I am falling in love with.
Not to mention my thoughts of his ex & his desire to be with me at the same time-
She's gotta go, if he expects me to be with him in any possible way other than just "kickin' it buddies" period.
I can't set myself up for this shit- I mean not when I can already see it coming.
Not when I am already feeling this strongly to the point of not eating over him-
I don't do that! I never NOT EAT.
I don't feel sick to the point of tears.
What the fuck is going on?
I gotta get a handle on this. I simply cannot go into something that has so much potential for danger.
At the same time, I don't want to allow my fears to get the better of me. I must keep in balance.
Maybe just not see him as much- incorporate more outside activities, something.
He called me last night.
I apologized & he was like "Whatcho talkin bout Willis?"
I said "For Saturday, walking out like that."
"Don't EVEN worry about it. I am the KING of freaking out & leaving, ask any of my friends."
"oh, o.k. then you understand."
"Yeah. & I was hoping perhaps our paths might cross later this week..."
"I would like that." I say- (completely elated that he's calling me & feeling the strength coming back to my body- God, I've got issues!)
blah, blah, blah
"O.k. well, I'll talk to you later then." I say.
"I'll be seeing you." he says.
"o.k. bye."
Am i completely obsessed by writing down our entire dialog practically???
I think I am.
Although I am at Woodland Hills today with several hours to kill- not to mention all of this stirring fresh in my mind- UGH.
That's it.
I can't see him anymore.
How am I supposed to just be friends after all of this shit that I feel now?
I can't fall into the spider's web, I can't!
My life is going too good right now to fuck my head up over some guy who can't let go of loose ends that need to be cut or tied- one of the two. You can't have both- not with me, anyway.
Fuck that.
I just have to make myself as busy as possible to clear him out of my thoughts- Maybe he'll move out & stay with his so called "ex".
Fuck that bullshit, I am not some stupid sucker.
I am not going to fall for this shit- I MUSTN"T!
Why do I feel like I am going crazy?
Am I?
I am so glad that I have plans tonight & thursday & Friday -
Tomorrow, I must find something to do as well-
I can't be home.
I can't see him.
I just can't- as badly as I want to, I have to just let this one go- My intuition is whispering to me, I think.
Or is it fear?
I just need to meditate.
Ugh.

Current Mood: crazy
Thursday, October 30th, 2003
3:06 pm
Still don't know what I'm gonna be for Halloween...
Hmmm.
Maybe I'll dress up as a crazed lunatic.
That might be kind of fitting to the mode right now.
Not "crazed lunatic" in a negative sense, but in the most positive way possible.
I feel gloriously crazed & perhaps my most content ever.
It's good to be crazed, it makes me feel MUCH more sane.
Hmm.
Anyhow, what else?
West Hollywood tomorrow night, me thinks.
Having neighbor over for din din this evening-
I am most excited. We have so much fun together, don't think I ever noted that before, huh?
I know, I know- I can just go on & on but I SWEAR,
it's the truth.
I heard this erratic vacuuming coming from his apt. last night & I began to wonder if he had completely lost it-
I mean afterall, It's just a large studio- how much can you possibly vacuum?
It went on for like half an hour.
Finally, I decided to make my way down to his door to see if I could offer my apartment up for his vacuuming pleasure-
Since I was CERTAIN there couldn't POSSIBLY be anything else left for him to vacuum.
Turns out, his kitties had a pretty bad case of fleas.
He took them into the vet for their shots & check up & Gary had a larvae growing around his private area.
The vet said it was possible that he could have eaten a flea in which they can grow inside of him- you know I'm gonna probably get the facts messed up- so I won't go into detaIL-
But neighbor was pretty frazzled- After all, it's his kids &
he doesn't want that shit in his house-
He's so cute-
He threw out his comforter, his bthrm rug, washed all of his clothes-and like I said vacuumed (FOREVER, it seemed), sprayed disinfectant, Grace & Gary got Advantage- (the flea repellent) & washed down their cat boxes- he took care of business, that is for sure. He's such a concerned dad.
He was on a mission to make sure the fleas did not win the battle.
He said he was taking back his home & I just found that to be so adorable- obviously.
So he came over & we hung out.
Time just absolutely FLIES when we get together. It's like there is so much for us to say when we get together (or not say) & I just thoroughly enjoy his mere presence.
3 or 4 hours seemed like ten minutes, I just don't get it.
The next thing I know it's almost 3am & I am not ready for us to part ways...
Oh well, gotta sleep & work & stuff, I suppose.
Today, work has been pretty o.k.
There has been actual "activity" in the office which does make for time passing more speedily.
I don't think some of the residents like me here because I've had to reprimand them for some of their unruly actions.
A fellow told me yesterday to exercise more kindness, in which I felt guilty.
I was only telling him that he must keep his dogs inside his apartment- the barking is driving his neighbor stark raving mad & then I'm the bad guy.
Oh well.
Whatya gon do?
Shoot.
I don't like to be the bad guy- it doesn't feel good-
but, I'm really not- these people just want to do what they want to do without respecting other people's rights to peace & quiet- Afterall, they are not spending over 2700.00 for loud music & no chance for silence, are theY?
Oh dear.
Let it be.
umm ma mmmm.
Well, guess that's all for now.
Word.

Current Mood: mellow
Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
2:53 pm
o.k. so this fire thing is just insane.
This city is going literally up in flames-
I swear it's because of the unstable ground that lies below us. Mother nature has to show the arrogant humans whose boss once in awhile.
It's like we think we can just ruin her without even thinking about the consequences of our actions-
She's bound to get angry & lash out after taking so much.
The freeways, the cars for eternity, the smog, the constant new developments, more & more people- less & less oxygen, less & less nature-
More & more concrete- How far can it possibly go?
Ultimately she will prevail.
Sadly, good people will have to suffer horrible losses.
It is complete insanity & at the same time makes total sense.
The sky & ash & smog & carbon monoxide & web of confusion & frustration & devastation & homes & uprooted families & people trying to get where they need to go- sitting stuck in one place with the windows down breathing the poisons & toxins & so I light another cigarette cause it doesn't seem to even matter at this point & the faces of my fellow humans just trying to live their lives & you can't go to Ralph's or take the bus- you can't got to school or your house or your closer freeway & hours pass by with the extra hour of the change going to waste & time slipping out of our grasp & it just seems so natural.
It IS so natural-
Fire sweeping it all away-
Cleansing into anew-
As difficult as it is, I can't really say-
It hasn't taken my home away.

On another note,
my weekend twas nice.
Dawn, my friend whose father passed away came back on
Saturday.
Went to pick her up at LAX with her beau.
Venice lunch- sidewalk cafe.
Got to hold a parrot on my arm & it bit the button off of the jacket I was wearing in like 5 seconds after it got on me.
Thought that was amusing.
Her boyfriend got a drum set in their living room.
I never sat down at one before &
I did & I played!!
I actually was seriously feeling at home on that thing!
I couldn't seem to stop drumming & I was sweating!
I felt like such a rockstar!
It was SOOO COOL!
So, I am gonna start going over there to practice-
I've found a new LOVE!

Sunday, basically just laid down all day.
I would vary it a little-
you know, go to my futon on my balcony, sit up, lay back down-
go back inside on the couch, then the floor-
couldn't seem to move.
It was restful, needless to say.
I suppose I am rested.

And uh, yesterday- saw my neighbor *swoon*
Awww, shucks.
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
4:43 pm
O.k. so let me see...
This day has been pretty easy going.
Yesterday was SOOO easy going that I couldn't stop nodding off at my desk. Literally- Maybe 5 phone calls in an eight hour strech. I can't complain because I like to be left alone
but DOGGONE IT, that day moved slowly!
I felt like that Tom & Jerry cartoon where he put toothpicks in his eyes to try to stay awake.
I felt like I was back in my U.S. history class-1st period
9th grade.
Every time I tried to put my head down, the teacher would notice.
It was TOTAl discrimination because I saw a bunch of other people with their heads down & he never said anything to them!
That son of a bitch.
Anyway, no negative talk.
My weekend really took the cake!
Friday night craft party adventure! Good stuff.
Sat. night-My lovely neighbor & I had a glorious time!
it was white russians & kitty cat percussion movement- I showed him some of my break dancing moves & he claimed to be impressed- took an evening walk to the local
7-11 & then we climbed a tree & shared a beer. He carved our initials in the tree (*swoon*) (I took the skin off of part of my right arm climbing down- but maybe I'll have a scar so I can always remember that wonderful night.)

Lots of other stuff we did as well...
& I can't seem to stop laughing when we are together. Is it possible for a man to be so damn adorable & funny???
He asked me if I could go to work with him on Monday. He said his coworker's wife goes in with him sometimes & does all of her school work, etc. So, he thought I should go & just hang out... AWWW.
I'm blushing.
Then Sunday we went to Malibu & hiked up to this cliff. We got there just in time for the ASTOUNDING sunset & we stayed into the night for about 2 hours, drinking EXOTIC BERRY wine coolers! We felt so gloriously ghetto.
The stars were so incredibly bright that night & the ocean was so glassy.
We hiked back down in the dark- (no flashlight) & had a lovely venture back to the car.
Took the canyons home & went to a lovely italian resturant-
Had wine & scrumptious dinners!
Ohh, GOODNESS!
YAYYYY!!!!
I feel like I am in my own personal romance movie-
only it's real life!
It's exciting cause I don't feel inhibited at all with him-
I feel as if I really come to life at my maximum potential-
I haven't laughed so much in forever it seems- but
somehow when we are together- i can't stop.
I get giddy, I feel like I'm in high school again with my very best friends & 1st true love.
I know that I can get overly excited at times, but hey!
Why not?
I am enjoying this so much right now & we really don't know what the future holds-
But I do know that I wish to relish in all of the wonderful vibrations that I am feeling right now.
YAYYY!!!!
Going to get Margaritas after work- yum!
I feel like I am really starting to feel my life begin in such a new way.
I feel like I am really starting to take advantage of my youth & freedom to it's maximum potential.
This whole year has been such a growth spurt type of year &
I am just so excited about the present, the past & the future!
Anyway, that's where it's at right now.
Peace out.
Monday, October 13th, 2003
2:30 pm
Got the hills to myself today.
"Premiere HILLS", that is.
This past weekend was really one of something I suppose I have not had in years.
COMPLETE ALONE TIME FOR IT'S ENTIRETY.(almost)
Hung out with my downstairs neighbor for the evening on Friday-
It was REALLY FUN.
I had never hung out with him before, other than the last time conversing in the window sill/ stairwell over a cigarette- that was very brief.
This time, I was out on my patio having a glass of wine-
He was on his too (with a beer)-
So we started talking-
We meet at the window so that I can bum a smoke( I know it's bad)
And then we decided to walk to the store-
And then we decided to hang out-
Can I just say that I had the most fun hanging out with him!
It was very easy to converse with him & he is hilarious!
You know how some people just don't get your humor completely or you might not get their's?
Well, that was not the case on Friday-
I felt like I was hanging out with one of my best friends from high school that night.
It was one of those, "I was just saying that the other day!", "Oh my God, I know!" type of evenings-
Where it is just completely effortless to be in someone's presence.
It was so comforting-
"Stuff that makes me wonder if I am crazy" type connection-
As well as, same types of interests-
Outdoors & long walks to nowhere in particular-
just hanging out but it's still an adventure type vibe-
was definitely the setting & that is my favorite.
We took out my binoculars & looked up at the moon, then houses in the hills- we ate cereal with vodka & o.j.
we took shots of Emerillos vodka pasta sauce- (yuck- but funny)
we listened to a bunch of different music- that we could appreciate on the same wavelength-
we walked up & down the stairs looking for the perfect view of the night- played with his cats, installed "stick ups" in his kittys' bathroom area, we made origami out of the packaging, we talked about so many different topics & I couldn't get myself to shut up if I tried (which is good because it means I wasn't trying to construct myself in order to impress him or "say the right things"- which is never easy for me to do- But I will get that self conscious mode attack if I don't feel entirely comfortable with the person that I am speaking with- Blah)
we smoked a lot of cigarettes( I know it's bad- it's just a faze that I have to ween myself off of again- but right now, I don't care)
I had so much fun!!!!
It was also nice because there wasn't that weird "hook up" feeling that is so easy to get.
Not to say that my initial reaction to him was not somewhat of a "hot flash/ tongue tied" one.
But I didn't feel that way as we hung out anymore- It was more like kindred spirits.
It truly felt like the blossoming of a very cool friendship- which is all that I really need right about now anyway.

The rest of the weekend consisted of me & my apartment.
It was actually pure heaven.
I just stayed home in solitude- no phone calls, no need to go anywhere, just stillness.
I don't think that I have had exactly that for at least 8 years- if ever!
Not for 2 days straight anyway.
I think it will be a bit more of a trend for me now though.
I can't believe how much clarity I got.
Not to mention that I love my apartment so much -
Even if I hit the lotterey I would not move-
I would keep it & get a place on the beach as well.
As well as one on the beach back home & an apartment in New York- maybe, who the hell knows,
I would have to set up my family first & get a new car- Not too flashy but one that I could pay in full & that I won't have to worry about reliability. WHoa.
Anyway, being a romantic idealist can be a bit tough when it comes down to the so called "reality" of it all/ life & such.
Becoming a hermit might bring me a bit more comfort, for now anyway.
I did my tarot cards last night & the first card that I pulled was "Way of the Cross", which basically means that I have come to a crossroad in my life, in which in order for me to continue on my spiritual path I must bring death to the old thoughts & ways that have been outgrown/ outmoded. I must travel this path alone for now, it says.
I can most certainly attest to that.
It has been something that I have been rolling over in my thoughts for way too long, I would have to be crazy to deny this.
I just wonder sometimes.
I will meet someone & get all swept away-
Thinking "this is the one", "I just know it, I can feel it" when all it may have been was pure lust.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think that there is anything wrong with lust- but it certainly doesn't mean that this person is "the one".
The feeling can be addictive to me-
I think it's more about the feeling than the actual person(of course it does take someone special for me to be attracted to physically as well/ I gotta get the butterflies & we have to mesh well).
I think of my most recent romantic interest.
Not quite sure what the deal is- I suppose it doesn't really matter & there may be no deal anyway.
Finding myself much more indifferent at this point, which I guess is good considering I don't REALLY know if the guy even really liked me.
He's a bit of the silent type in that department.
At first, I swore I had met my future husband- (after our first date)-
Of COURSE, I know that that was a little premature- I was just SOO EXCITED about him.
I think it might have been mutual at that point but who the hell knows?
I can't handle the whole questioning bit & as hard as I try not to, I still do.
Indifference is suiting me much better, I will have to say.
Only time will tell-
But I do know that alone time is key!
I am exhausted- I must nap behind the desk now.
Cheerio!
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